Respect and Accountability

I think respect is a core topic in our social life. It’s so basic yet rooted deeply in our words and actions. Since it’s fun to dive deeper into things, I unpack it and extended my thoughts into this writing.

What is respect? In a nutshell, I think respect is a packed term that refers to “how you treat other people”, an invisible thing that should be added to this cute poster:

How it started / how it is going

Forming the invisible respect

Respect is a habit we developed in childhood within our culture norm. It later reshaped when you enter a new social environment, such as new school, new work or in new relationship with partner and close friends.

Seeing the invisible respect - with an asset analogy

Respect is one of those invisible things we learned to see. To use an analogy, respect is like money, we earn it as an asset. It’s the kind that’s hard to earn but easy to lose.

People with good respect tend to be socially wealthy, and vise versa.

That’s because we like to surround by folks who treat others well, and find it hard to get along with someone who have a very different respect norm. And thus we allocate our social attention to those we trust.

If I have a bad habit of respect, it will get taxed as people who received it and decided to change how they engage with me.

(Side note: Yes I agree, social is not so transactional, but hey it can still be a useful analogy? For example, people are so socially wealthy can have room for less respect, because they are wealthy in social asset.)

How to earn other’s respect

First route: Being accountable → Earn trust → Earn respect

Respect is earned through the process: When you are accountable, other developed trust in you, and you naturally earn the respect.

Second route: Give out respect

You can be respectful to other people, and they will return in respect to you. More thoughts later on how to practice it!

On respecting yourself

The way you treat others is shaped by the way you treat yourself. So how you respect others is also coming from how your respect yourself.

To me, respect yourself can be extended to two elements: genuineness and confidence.

Genuineness: Being self-respect means you don’t lie to yourself. For example, if you tell yourself one story but acts in another one, then it’s a sign that your narrative is not genuine to yourself.

Confidence: If you can honor your own opinion, you can develop internal confidence. That means having point of view outside of conventional opinion, to make choices in life decision.

To earn self respect, it follow similar pattern. You want to be accountable to yourself, so you have trust in yourself (or self efficacy), and you will be in the position of self respect.

It’s a inner work, but I find a connection that when someone respect themself well, I tend to trust them more, and respect them more.

A practical note on giving and earning respects

After riding this thought train, you might be wonder, what exactly is respect being practiced? I wrote a memo of respect, kind of all over the place but bear with me:

On promise:

Don’t overpromise. Set the expectation low and try hard to deliver it. Be accountable is a respect act to other people, also build trust in relationship.

Don’t surprise people. Sending status update to keep other person updated.

Avoid pulling back your commitment by being selective on what to commit.

On time axis:

Be on time, be earlier than the other people.

When you scheduling a meeting, lock down schedule soon. Don’t say “maybe Sunday morning”, which let other people holds up their time.

On communication axis:

Think before you talk. Sharpen you speaking so you cut out redundant thoughts.

But also, don’t read people and forgot to reply their message.

Minimize people’s energy to make a decision. If you sent a Sunday brunch invite, mentioned time and location context so people can make decision without looping back and forth.

On living with other people:

Do the dishes right away, be tidy in shared space. Similar rule apply to other things.

Avoid accidentally breaking other’s rule. Ask for feedback, and be open minded and considerate.

On privacy

Don’t take photos without asking.

Don’t gossip behind person or pass rumors around.

In a conversations

Be kind, hold back judgements. As a social being, we are coded to have a conventional reaction to things, which might be harmful if someone is being vulnerable and need a support.

Avoid looking down, if you do, lower your ego. When in argument, don’t deny the intention of other person.

Be present.

When asking for help

If your request is takes their effort, acknowledge it, give them a backdoor to say no, and be thankful. People want to be nice and help you, so you want to sent the tone to a neutral spot, such that they don’t feel kindness exploited.

Life Attitude

Don’t game the system or escape from responsibility. That will easily lose respect of others.

Closing Note

While I still make silly mistakes and confused about respect, I’m glad this first writing attempt to materialized my thoughts.

A good exercise I did as drafting this article, is to think about people I respect the most and least, and dig into why I formed such an opinion.

I’m hoping to revisit this post in a few months and see if my ideas have changed. Updated on

Thanks Svitlana for reviewing a draft of this!